where is my mind

I think I’m losing my mind. I think maybe I’ve been losing my mind since waking up in the woods, but it’s gotten worse.

It started with small things — like I set down a cup of coffee only to find it somewhere else. I lost my keys on Saturday and tore apart the damn house to find them — they were in the pocket of a ski coat I haven’t worn since I was like 11. The other day I swear I turned on the cold water, but it came out scalding hot. Just like weird dumb stuff.

But then I started having these dreams? I don’t know, just like spooky dreams I can’t remember? I wake up from them gasping for air. Yesterday morning I woke up on my living room floor, which was scary. But this morning I woke up staring at myself in the bathroom mirror which was fucking terrifying. Imagine: you wake up and you’re already staring at your own face.

I’ve never been a sleepwalker. Madelyn was, and she always described it as being really discombobulating. That seems like an understatement to me. It’s terrifying.

God, speaking of Madelyn — I can’t stop thinking of more strange things that happened last summer. Like, I just remembered that last July, when I finally saw her again after her mysterious t r i p her wrists were all weird and bruised.

We were sitting at Ann Beth’s diner and I thought it was super weird that she was wearing a sweater because it was so hot. And then her sleeve slid down her wrist and I saw the bruises circling around them. Obviously I like grabbed her hand to get a better look, but she wrenched away from me.

She grinned at me and said, “don’t kinkshame me,” which like whatever, if she likes getting tied up k cool it’s not like Georgia’s gonna hurt her — but Madelyn had this wild look in her eye when she said it and I remember thinking that was weird. Like, Madelyn is not the kind of person to not tell me if she and Georgia were tying each other up. That’s like exactly the kind of fun shit we would have giggled about last summer.

There was another time too, actually, now that I’m thinking about it — she had this cut on her palm. A long clean cut. I was worried about it, but she was totally calm, so I asked her if she was swearing blood oaths and she laughed and said she cut it on some chain link. We talked about when her last tetanus shot was. I didn’t think more of it.

Now I think more of everything.

FUCK okay, something just happened!!!

So I’m sitting on the couch with my back to the front door writing this entry and I swear to god I SWEAR I heard the front door open and my mom come in and drop her keys in the bowl. I swear — I heard her footsteps and the door open and the keys jingling, all of it. So I asked her what she wanted for dinner but she didn’t answer and I turned around and there was no one there. The door was locked, there was no one outside. So I called my mom and she’s on her way home right now.

My eyes are fear leaking again hahaha what the fuck is happening to me???

Oh also — I looked at the list of names we got from the motel’s records. It was so blurry I could barely read anything much less recognize any names. It was a total dead end.

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