stalled

Tilly didn’t call me once all weekend. I texted her a few times and she didn’t respond. I guess that means we’re not A Thing anymore lmao.

I’m not actually laughing my ass off. I want to cry 100% of the time.

My mom and I finally bleached my hair. We bleached it twice to get it really really white. My mom’s being so enthusiastic about how cool it looks because she can tell there’s something wrong. She even asked about “that hot tall guy” from the other day (Julian) and I had to explain that there was nothing going on between us. She was obviously totally relieved.

“He was too old for you,” she said.

I haven’t told her about Tilly. Not because she doesn’t know I’m bi — I never even had to come out, she just always asked if I had crushes on “any boys or girls at school” and then when I turned out to indeed start having crushes on girls I just said yeah and that was it. But I wanted this thing with me and Tilly to be just mine, you know? Not to be too Taylor Swift about the it but the whole thing just felt so delicate.

Turns out it was delicate. One little suspicion that her father chained up my best friend in his cellar and it all fell apart.

The Hawthornes drove me to school today, and then drove me home again afterwords. On the way home it was just me and Julian.

“We know they’re fixated on you for some reason,” he explained.

“So you’re gonna chauffeur me around everywhere?” I grumbled. Not that I really mind the ride. It’s not like I want to bus to school with the freshman.

“We don’t have much else better to do,” Julian sighed. “We’re keeping an eye on that cop obviously, but what can we do? He’s a cop, and he knows we’re there. We’re trying to find who else is involved with this thing but he’s being careful.”

“So you think he’s definitely involved?” I asked. What I was really asking is if it was possible that this was all a mistake and Tilly and I could make up soon.

Julian seemed to understand that. He said quietly, “Tilly will have to deal with this in her own way. What he did isn’t your fault, and I’m sure she doesn’t blame you. But you can’t ask her not to have complicated feelings about the situation.”

I cried a little and he tactfully didn’t notice.

This whole town feels haunted. I went grocery shopping with my mom yesterday and everyone we saw I wondered — did you lock her up? Do you have her now? What would you do for magic? Streets I’ve walked my whole life are unfriendly. Crows follow me everywhere.

cros.jpg

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